I realize that I have been posting a ton. Well, let's just say that as the mom of a 15 month old in Rexburg in the winter, conversation is a much sought after commodity, even if it's one-sided and in the written form. But since there is always so much going on that I hardly have the time to reflect, between all the pictures, videos and Kennady's latest rampage, tonight I just felt like writing something.
And now for said entry.
I feel like my life is very intense right now. So many things happening way too quickly. My baby is growing up. Ben is approaching graduation from undergraduate (well, so the actual date is a little flexible). And we are getting ready to embark on the next phase of our lives. Which I guess will be medical school. The thought of that scares me. Ben is scared to take the MCAT. I keep reminding him it's only a test, and it's supposed to test him on knowledge he theoretically should have already acquired in college. If only BYU-Idaho was pre-medically minded. And the application is a bugger. And getting all the letters of recommendation. And you never know what your professors will write (because, well, let's face it, some professors are insane). That with him working 3 jobs, going to school full-time (and by this I mean well over 40 hours a week), me babysitting and selling cookies and graphic design on the side. My brain says that we are both totally and undeniably insane to put ourselves through these rigors.
If Ben and I weren't working our tails off, we could get into subsidized housing and get food stamps. (Well, ok we probably already qualify.) Did you know that the food stamp allotment per month is more than double our monthly food budget? I swear we eat. Mostly healthy. And Ben eats a lot. Ok, so the subsidized housing thing may be unavoidable if we keep going to school, but we'll both still be working. But really the thing is, I feel good. We both like working. When I think about how much I make hourly, especially considering the time, effort and expense put into my education, I feel some where close to a failure. But in all reality, it makes me really happy. I get to take Kennady to work with me, where I spend all day just playing with her and her friend. It's not my house, so I don't have to worry about whether my laundry is done or the floor is mopped (don't get me wrong, I do clean, but just the messes made that day).
Unfortunately I don't think Ben loves his job so much. Not that he hates it, but I don't think there is anything particularly enjoyable about handing towels, shorts and shirts to sweaty smelly guys. But he does get to go to school, and he loves it, and he loves that it's all getting him closer to becoming a doctor.
There are days that I look at our beat-up semi-functioning non-matching furniture and I cringe, because the interior designer in me is having a break down. These are the times when I scour craigslist and the bulletin board looking for upgrades, knowing that I'll never actually spend the money to get them (even if it is a dining table and 4 chairs for $50), because, well, beat-up semi- functioning non-matching furniture gets the job done. And then I realize that because most of our furniture couldn't really be damaged more than it is (and kudos to the microfiber couch, our one lavish purchase as newlyweds, which so far seems indestructable), I don't really care if Kennady writes on it with a crayon or spills orange juice all over it (ok, so there'll still probably be some discipline involved for writing on furniture, for principle, but I find solace knowing I won't have to be mad about it). And when we move (probably for the bazillionth time) I can just sell it all, and not have to shed a tear (except for the couch, it will go with us, even if I tie it to the roof of our car).
Most days I only see Ben for dinner. We try to squeeze in a date night, consisting of a movie and popcorn, late, after Kennady has gone to bed and Ben has finished his homework/tests. I guess I would have thought this whole craziness would put a strain on our relationship. But I really don't think it has. It's perhaps even better than ever. We love the time that we do get together and we are both learning how to let everything (homework, dishes, whatever) for just a couple of hours so we can spend time together as a family. Ben loves when he gets an extra few minutes to play with Kennady. And I think we even both enjoy when we get to do menial things (cooking dinner, cleaning) together. And Sundays have become the best day ever, because we are home together as a family, just playing games and resting.
I'm not saying that I don't have my moments of despair (like when I think about how long we will be in school- even though I'm starting to think that 5 years isn't that long of a time) (or living in Rexburg for 6 another year), but overall I'm happy in my crazy life. Maybe most people wouldn't really enjoy being perpetually poor students. But I think it's kinda fun. I get to be creative, in super detailed crazy-planning over-scheduled under-budgeted kinds of ways. Maybe it's the thrill of living paycheck to paycheck. Or maybe it's because I've discovered saving is almost as addicting as shopping. Or maybe it's just really nice because I don't worry that things won't work out. It really helps me realize how much Heavenly Father loves my family. Sure we work our tails off and the numbers never add up on my Excel budget, but somehow things always work out.
2 comments:
You just let it all out. Like my good buddy shreik says "it's better out than in"
I determined that the nices think about living a crazy married life, Is at least your married and doing it together. It sure would suck to be a single mom. Even though I sure somedays you feel as though you are.
Hang in there. what dosen't kill you makes you stronger.
As someone who has been a grad school wife for 2 1/2 years now, I think I can say it does get easier! No, money doesn't start growing on trees and more hours in the day don't miraculously appear, but living this way starts to feel more natural. We're at the half-way mark and I'm already making list in my head of all the wonderful furniture we'll buy and vacations we'll take. But I'm happy with where we are right now and that's a whole lot more than I could say two years ago!
By the way, I think you're an awesome mom!
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