Let's Have a Little Talk

Sometimes I feel quite certain that I have to tiptoe around on this blog as to not offend people. And sometimes that gets really old. So if you happen to stumble upon this blog through my Facebook or a mutual friend, and I happen to tell a story that may or may not be about you, try not to be offended, because this is my way of getting over it. Or if you are offended, feel free to get your own blog and tell stories that might have Jessica Alba (wait, is she still hot? I can't keep up with these things) portraying me as minor character. Please don't come to me and tell me how offbase I am about such and such that I said on my blog, I prefer to fight my battles with the pen (or keyboard). This way I have time to think before I "speak," which turns out to be enormously less offensive than actually speaking.

I mean I love my neighbors (well, um, most of them), friends and family. That does not mean that I have to agree with every one of them all them time. In fact, I probably rarely agree with anyone (ask my husband, or my mother). I guess that makes me disagreeable. Maybe that's why I don't have any friends. Oh wait, I do.

Let's have a little talk about tweedle beetles.

The one thing I love about being in an apartment complex, or rather this apartment complex, is that every day I can take my kids outside to play and there are other mothers out with their kids. The kids play, the moms talk. And it seems every single person has a different way that they mother. That's ok by me. I mean my sister had a mother that mothered differently than my own- and our mothers are the same person! Why? Because every kid is different, and every mother is different. What's not ok by me is when other people berate me for how I mother.

People seem to like to ask the question, "Is he a good baby?" I don't think they are talking about how he tastes, but I'm never quite sure what they mean by the question. "Does he sleep well?" Compared to what? An 85 year old man? Your child? Ah, yes, that is probably what they are asking. Chances are he doesn't, because he's probably the hungriest kid this side of the Rockies. But I bet he could beat your 3 1/2 month old at a rolling over contest. "Is he colicky?" Uh, you mean does he cry a lot? Yes and no. He used to cry a ton, but around 6 weeks that started to wane and continues to get better all the time. Now he mostly just cries when he is hungry, which is a lot. Yes, I understand crying is a late sign of hunger, but apparently he gives all the other signs in his sleep. Oh, and he does scream like he is dying. I assure you that he is not. He is just hungry and he likes to be heard...by everyone. I do apologize if it disrupts your Sunday school lesson. Maybe if the only place to feed him wasn't a smelly closet called the "mother's lounge" in the bathroom, I'd be a little quicker to go feed him.

Yes, I have tried carrying him around in a sling/front carrier. It doesn't work well for us. He's mostly too big for a sling, because of his size and the fact that he's not quite stable enough to be on my hip. He doesn't really like the front carrier, although it will do sometimes. Mostly I don't like it. He's heavy and I already have problems with my shoulders and back.

Yes, he does have gas. A lot of it. If figure he should have more than most babies because he eats more than most babies. Mostly it doesn't seem to bother him, sometimes it does. No, I won't cut dairy out of my diet. I know, I know, it's the popular thing to do. I might get some feathers in my hair, if that makes you feel better. (And really, I might, just for fun). Babies are not lactose intolerant (ok, very rarely some baby is lactose intolerant). Somewhere around 3% of babies have a milk allergy, where they are allergic to a protein in milk. This would cause gas, and lots of other things like vomiting, refusing food and skin rashes. So I'm not concerned about it. Maybe I would lose tons of weight if I stopped eating dairy, but probably because it's 75% of what I eat. And I'd have perfect skin and be less irritable and suddenly have the power to run a 5 minute mile. No, I'd definitely be more irritable if I didn't have my bowl of ice cream. Ben knows.

Um, and yes, one time I did dip his binky in ice cream. Sorry, it's true. After fighting with Kennady for an hour to take a nap, I finally had a little "me" time. So I made myself a bowl of ice cream. As soon as I sat down, Korban woke up starving, and screaming (it had been 2 hours since he last ate). If I fed him immediately my ice cream would melt. If I waited his screaming would wake up Kennady. So I stalled. I understand now he's going to be obese, have ADD and diabetes. Eh, well, I'm not perfect. Oh, one other confession, I once let Kennady watch Sponge Bob so I could take a shower. And since there was that ONE study on those 60 kids, we know she's going to have ADD. For the love of Pete, let us ban that Sponge Bob before he becomes a public-health hazard, instead of just an issue. (Really? If you don't like it, turn the channel, turn of the tv, cover your children's eyeballs so they can only hear his maniacal laughter).

Speaking of, no, she doesn't have ADHD. Thanks for asking. She's 2 and a half (don't forget the half, she'll get really peeved). She has TONS of energy- she was born with it. She will outlast, outplay, and sometimes outsmart your child. In fact, she will likely go through three sets of children on the playground who return inside to take naps, and not be tired at all (unless she woke up at 6:30, and then she will just be a tyrant). We like to call it psychomotor overexciteabilty. Yes, maybe I'm naive and should take off my mommy goggles. But I think there's a fine line between gifted and disabled and it's mostly attitude. Every kid has her challenges, but let's not go calling names. Yeah, I guess I am little against "labeling." I mean, sure let's call it what it is and then recognize that our child is different (by the way, I'd love to find that normal child) and give him the resources he needs to reach his potential (which is probably a whole lot more than even you would have guessed). But let's not let that label limit them or make excuses for them. Let's just work with them and love them.

Oh, and about sleep training. I won't sleep train my 4 month old. Uh, yes, last night I did lay him down in his crib and he put himself to sleep. It was AMAZING. However, I did not let him cry it out when he woke (was it twice? I can't remember) and was hungry. And most nights I prefer to rock him to sleep, just because I can. Really, he will only be willing to let me for so long, so I like to take advantage of it. I did sleep train Kennady- at 11 months. And only because after rocking her she would wake from her coma-like sleep the second we laid her in her crib. At some point I will probably sleep train Korban (really, is there such a thing? I mean, sure they go to bed easier most nights, but then there are always "those nights"). But it will be when I want to, and not because someone else told me I should. And when I do decide to sleep train, I won't feel guilty (ok, so I will) about letting him cry for hours. But we'll both survive and I'm pretty sure he won't harbor feelings of betrayal his entire life.

And he will be allowed to eat sweets. I won't tell you you're a bad mom for not letting your child ingest a single grain of sugar before the age of one, but my friend might tell you that you are "an idiot. Let that poor child have some joy in life." Haha, I love my friends.

No, I won't use cloth diapers. I don't swish things around in the toilet. Yes, my son's carbon footprint is HUGE. His foot's pretty big, too.

Also, I probably won't homeschool my kids. I'm not saying it's out of the realm of possibilities, since I haven't seen how they do in school yet. But I don't have the time or energy (or space for that matter) to become specialized in every area of knowledge and in teaching it. That's why teachers go to school and get paid. Yes, I will pay close attention to what is being to taught to my child, and help her understand that teachers don't know everything and they aren't always right (just like parents!) Hopefully that will give her the opportunity to use her brain to figure out what's right and what's wrong. Plus I think there's something to be said for that unduplicatable (yes there is a better word for this...but I can't think of what it is...you get the point) social interaction that is public school.

Wait, wait, before I go any further, let me clarify that home schooling is what some kids need and some parents do an excellent job of it. Some kids even have the ability to learn almost everything by only reading, so they can practically teach themselves.

So yeah, that's probably more than you were asking for. But I really DO think these things through before I say them. I thought I'd let you in on my thought processes. Go ahead, disagree with me, I dare you. Haha, just kidding. I really don't mind if you disagree with me, but please don't give me grief because you think I'm an incompetent parent. And I'm talking to you, you scowling lady at the grocery store. Eh, actually I don't take my kids to the grocery store. Although I hear it's an excellent place to hold homeschool and learn all your life lessons (plus you can count it as 3 whole hours of instruction time to go towards the absolutely ridiculous 1000 required hours required by the state).

I'm not the perfect mother, but my kids are perfect, so I should get some credit. What? You think my kid is a tyrant? It was only that one time, I swear.

What, you're tired of hearing me explain myself? Good thing my children are waking up again and need to be tended.