When the Customer's Never Right

I'm sure you'll all be concerned to hear that our internet has been on the fritz for the last month...two months...since January sometime. We were told that it was a router problem. Ok. Well, then maybe the router got fried from our electrical problem. Ok, new router. Hmm, still having problems. Maybe that router doesn't like us either. New router. Yep, still not working. We could connect for five to twenty minutes, and then get booted off and have to reset everything. Figured out how to see the status of the modem. Not looking so hot. Hmm, lots of other Comcast customers who rent modems seem to have the same problem, and related that Comcast was less than willing to replace the modem, and more than willing to blame the problem on everyone- or everything- else.

Call up Comcast. "Hi, what can I help you with today?" "Um, my modem seems to be on the fritz, or maybe it's a problem upstream, but I can only connect for 5 - 20 minutes before it has to be reset." "Ok, I want you to turn it off, and turn it back on again." "Um, I've done that, lots. But it only works for 5 to 20 minutes. And I also tried unplugging the coaxial cable. It did nothing." "Ok, well I want you to try unplugging the coaxial cable, and plugging it back in." "Sigh. Alright, so I'm connected to the modem's status right now and here are the errors I'm seeing... T3 out of ranging....blah, blah, blah. It also says cannot connect, denied access, unavailable." "Oh, you sound like you know more than 95% about it than most people." "Well, I'm pretty good at Googling." "Well, it sounds like you have a router problem." "Uh, no, I'm hardwired into the modem. No router." "Oh, ok, well then you need to remove your splitter." "Uhm, I already did that. And while we're on that subject, if you recommend that I don't use a splitter, only hook up one cablejack, and sell me both cable and cable internet, how am I not supposed to use a splitter?" "........ you would need another cable line." "Hmm, I specifically asked that question when you were trying to sell me cable, and was told nothing of the sort." "So, it sounds like you might need a new modem." "Right." "You can usually pick those up online." "But, I'm renting from you." "Oh, then we'll need our tech to go out and look at it to be sure." "Ok, that'd be great." "Just to let you know, if he discovers that the modem is not an issue, then you'll be charged $50 for a service call." "What if it's a problem upstream?" "You'll be charged $50, because you are responsible for that." "Um, I live in an apartment." "So, your landlord would have to fix that." "Hahahahahaha, yeah, right." "Can you just send me a new modem to test out, and I could send it back if that's not the problem?" "Yes. That'll be $30." "Wait, I thought I was renting the modem?" "You are, the $30 is for shipping." "Does it come with a singing telegram?" "What?" "It's just $30 for shipping seems kind of pricey." "Well, it's expedited. It will arrive in 3-5 business days." "Um, that's expedited? The store's only 3 miles from here." "You could just go pick up the new modem." "Well, I don't have a car, so that could be kinda tricky." "Well, it's only 3 miles, you could walk." "Well, I could, but I have 2 kids and it's snowing...so I'd rather not. You know what, can you transfer me to the cancellation department? I think I'm done." "They aren't open for another 15 minutes." "I bet they aren't."

15 minutes later..... new person in the cancellation department
"Hi, how can I help you today?" "I'd like to cancel my services." "Oh, why?" "Sigh...well (insert story above)." "Oh, gee, that must be very frustrating for you. Let me see if I can help you out." "Sure, let's give it a try." "What if I meet you halfway?" "You mean, like I walk 1.5 miles and you walk 1.5 miles?" "Uh.....no. I'll give you a twenty dollar credit, because it shows here on your modem log that your internet hasn't been working correctly since December." "First, I'm pretty sure 20 isn't half of even one monthly bill. Second, December? Wait, you knew this the whole time? Why do I have to call you?" "We don't routinely monitor this unless there's a problem." "I've talked to you guys like 3 or 4 times." "Well, we have no way of knowing." "You just told me it's not been working since December, I didn't even call until sometime in the middle of January." "Well, we show here that you've refused our help." "What?" "You denied a service call." "Um, I said I wasn't going to pay you $50 for someone to come out here, when you could just send me a new modem." "Well, I could send you a new modem, but it'll be $15." "Wait, $15? Are you sure." "Yes ma'am, $15 for shipping." "The other lady just told me $30 for shipping." "Uh, that's incorrect. It's $15." "This is crazy. Do you just make this stuff up?" "No, it's $15." "Ok, well, I'll just cancel and take my $20 credit." "I can only give you a credit if you let us fix it." "Sure, I'd love for you to fix it, but I'm not paying $50." "Well, we can add insurance to your internet for 2.99 a month, and then we could fix it for free." "What? What is this internet insurance?" "Well, if something isn't working then we can send someone out to fix it for free." "I thought that was called customer service, not insurance." ...... "Alright, maybe I can go get a modem, I could use the exercise anyways. And if that doesn't work then I'll just cancel. So go ahead and credit the $20 to my account." "Well, it would come off your next bill." "But what if it doesn't work? Then I can cancel and be refunded the whole month?" "No, it would be prorated, and the credit would come off." "So, really, I'd be paying you $30 to give me a $20 credit, for something that doesn't work?" "Not exactly. And hopefully it would work." "This is crazy. Why did I bother? Let's cancel. Right now. I already talked to Clear and have it set up. Besides. it's cheaper." "Well, of course it's cheaper, they are half the speed we are." "You mean half of zero? Because yours doesn't work." "Well, you have to buy their equipment, and it's $99." "Um, I'm only paying $19.99." "Well, that's for the slower one." "No, it's for the refurbished one." "Well, if that breaks you'll be out out $20." "Well, the way I see it, I've been paying you $8 a month for um, 15 months, so I wouldn't have to hassle with a modem breaking, and you can see how that's worked out. I think I'll take my chances with a refurbished modem." "But you'll lose your cable service." "We don't watch cable. It was $10 cheaper to have cable, than to not have cable." "Yes, that's right, it is $10 cheaper." "That still doesn't make any sense. I'm going to cancel, now"  "Ok, ma'am I'll do that for you today." "Thanks." "Thanks, have a nice day." "Wait. Aren't you going to tell me what sort of refund I should be expecting?" "I can't give you a refund." "Ok, I meant prorated compensation. It is a prorated service, right?" "Yes. Hold on.... it comes to $5.15." "Perfect." "You'll just need to return the modem to the store." "Seriously? Can I mail it?" "No." "What happens if I don't return it?" "We'll charge you for it." "How much do you charge for a broken modem?" "We would charge you the original price of $124.99." "Can you really charge more than the MSRP?" "Yes." "This is thievery." "Is there anything else I can help you with?" "No." "Have a nice day."