Laws of the Universe

1. If you get new bedding of any sort, at least one child will immediately get some sort of illness that causes him to vomit on said bedding.

2. If you fix your dryer and are nearly caught up on laundry, at least one child will vomit on the most large hard-to-wash items he can find.

3. If both of your children get sick, you will get sick after them, after all of your energy reserves have been depleted by sleepless nights.

4. If you and everyone else in your house gets sicks, your husband probably still won't get sick, because either (a) he has the immune system of a horse (I have no idea what kind of immune system a horse has) or (b) he spends the majority of his time outside the disease-ridden home.

5. If your husband is still healthy, he will be asked to do a billion things by other people, leaving sick wife at home with sick children in a big sick mess.

6. If your husband goes to help people move while everyone else is sick, the people he moves will be hoarders. Real, actual, could-appear-on-tv, hoarders. The move will take forever. You will be angry, hungry and tired, and won't be able to find a screwdriver to put together the grill to grill the steaks you've been marinating all day. You will go on a cleaning rampage until you nearly vomit, a trash bag explodes, you kick the trashcan and remove it from the premises. Then you will give up and order pizza.

7. If you order pizza, you will wonder why the pizza delivery guy is all weird, and think it must be because you're a mess. Then you will turn around after paying and getting the pizza (with screaming baby in arms) to find a naked toddler dancing in the background.

8. If your toddler is naked, there is probably poop somewhere. In all the exhaustiveness of the day, you will forget this law of the universe and sit down to eat hot pizza.

9. If you sit down to eat, your husband will walk in the door. He will want to wash his hands.

10. If he washes his hands in the bathroom, he will find the poop. And see his disaster of a house and realize he's seen much, mush worse. But wonder what in the world you've been doing while he was muck raking someone else's house.

11. If all of this happens in one weekend, you will be really, really tired, and ask for a weekend mulligan. And you'll still have a lot of laundry to do.